Finding my roots

I found I was totally uprooted. I had to make decisions that kept contributing to this sense of having no ground beneath my feet, no dirt, rocks or roots to walk on. I felt to make it easier I had to disconnect from my natural environment that I felt so alive within. I realised I was making decisions to remain in a place, holding on to my sense of place in hope that things would change. Love would return and I could stay amongst and within the life that we created. I could not accept that love had moved out and I could not let go. This was not what my body or mind were craving and the sense of crazy didn’t abate, because I floated in this denial. This place that I clung to, was the place where my memories of what was, exuded from the land, the connection, the life lived in happiness and harmony, were all in the land, decomposed, regenerated, renewed memories. I was trying to restore something that couldn’t be restored. There was free will, it had moved on and it stared at me and glared bitterness and coldness and pity. I needed to let my life go.

Slowly and over time a seepage from within, revealed my joy and my sense of adventure, I stepped out of the boundaries of the past and find a new place, to grow, to learn to love myself. I made the move and found myself back in my home town, where I grew up. I couldn’t at the time, remember any fond memories I had for this place. I was in too much pain. I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was meant to be. There was just a sense of calm that came over me, from time to time, when I thought about it, and I grew to know that calm, still, breathtaking moments, meant it was a good decision.

I immersed myself in my healing and yes, I announced that I would be taking a whole year off to do so. I walked and connected with trees, the landscape, the river, and enjoyed the sensations of the changing seasons. With each falling of the leaves, flow of the river engorged at times and a trickling stream at others, I flourished, I was nourished, I was moving with the rhythm of the land but I could remain still and watchful, integrating the surrender to all of my natural soundings. Slowly the earth wound its way up to meet me and bound me, held me and gave me more nourishment. I regained my strength and my joy, and I stood on my country, with courage and a need to tell my story, a story of a girl who has come full circle, and a story that will be told from different lenses as my inner landscape is always evolving and metamorphosing into the something held and forgotten for so long now, my divine feminine. She is here, she laughs and she is fierce.

Sharon Blackie, and her book "If Women Rose Rooted" helped me see the false route I was trying to wedge, shove, force my own roots into. With her own story she revealed to me my truth, that the side of the path I was following, was no longer available to me. As a women, with great innate wisdom, I needed for my own health to just listen, to the story unfolding in my body. The story had ended and I needed to tell another. I mused the new story would be of my rising, but not just in the same manner to which I re-created myself in the past, but as a woman, who found herself at a time in life where every breath is rich and mystical, as the seeds of re-creation begin to form deep within. I have time for the seed to gather all it needs in the telling of my new story. It is time that is not riddled with guilt, as I now have a firm belief that this time is not wasted, it is not an idle moment to be frowned upon, but in truth is an act of courage and an act of self love, as I give to myself all that is necessary for my survival and regeneration. This time is for me. This healing is for me. This space on this land that I have returned to, it’s stories from ancestors and the women who have told them lay the foundations for me to firmly route myself into the fabric of the community and bring my talents and natural nurturing creativeness to the unfolding story in this moment of time. No one can take my story away from me, as I am the storyteller of my life.

I am so happy that a friend of mine recommended this book to me. It has been such a game changer for me at a time I needed that game changer. I didn’t feel so alone. The myths and legends told, the stories of Sharon Blackie’s own life and the women who have found there place and are re-writing the story of the feminine is enlightening and makes me feel hopeful. It's a must for anyone lost, and trying to find their way within a modern world, that has been built on a long forgotten myth and legend. Sharon Blackie "If Women Rose Rooted".