What's this all about...?

This is the part where I ramble, remember and share entries from my journal of my separation from a partner of 23 years. Writings, dreams, and bits and pieces of my few years where I really felt I was in a washing machine, finding the constant spin cycle in my mind to be extremely disturbing and then as it slowed, and the cycle hit pause, and I was able to hang parts of myself out to dry in the sunshine and rest, sigh, only to then be hauled from the drying sun and placed back into that machine for a repeat of the tumultuous cycle I was on. When at last this cyclical part of grief gave me moments of reprieve I realised it was time to rest. I was 53 and finally heard what my body was aching for, especially after such a busy and emotional period, time out. I loudly declared to friends and family, " I'm having a gap year." I was super proud, excited, scared and sad. The planning took my mind away from the spin cycle and now on the other side of the gap year, I am no longer tumbled, spun or hung out to dry. I don't expect that intensity of cycle will ever be pressed again, a different one will be needed.

The analogy of the washing machine, truely describes the confusing pain I felt, after a relationship of 23 years came to an end. My emotions were relentless. they were fast and furious, I felt so intensely jumbled, tumbling, thrown, pushed and shoved, catapulted and dragged around. I was sore, I was tender. There were moments of clarity however, where I felt a sense of calm, enlightenment and peace, a kind of inevitability. It was a change, and that I believed a signed a contract was made to experience. This was a cleansing experience for me, I believe any trauma and grief as revealers of an authentic self. The learnings didn't come straight away, I didn't know what was happening at the time. All I knew was it hurt. I didn't want to feel any of it. I kept pushing, denying anything for a long time. The learnings came as I began to write and journal. Beginning with dreams, then 'ah ha' moments, I found journalling to be a good source of comfort and a wonderful outlet when the cycle wouldn't abate. It was gold to ponder on after a while. It was actually during a journalling episode that a little voice in my head told me to share my writings with others and share what propelled me on as a single person to have a gap year at 53, and embrace the change that life dumped on my doorstep. My experiences, my emotions, the changes to my body, all the confusing jumble of everything of me into a story, and specifically a blog. So here I am now sharing it with those of you who have found this page.

Some of it, you may not make sense of, clearly not a moment of clarity for me, or you may disagree with, but the truth of it is that experiencing trauma, grief, sadness and loss, to experience such huge change in ones life, never ever really makes sense. It is extremely individual, it has it's own time to resolve and it affects so many in so many different ways. It is forever changing and weaving its threads throughout one's life, metamorphosing, teaching, guiding and revealing what it is to be in this world.

Much of what I have studied recently has been undertaken because of pain, of grief, of loss and change in my life. What I do as work and the services I offer have helped me to heal, to move beyond the pain, to understand the pain and release. Sometimes also to run and hide, hoping that the energy will just be squeezed out in a Yin Yoga pose and leave me rolling on the floor in total and utter bliss all my life. However it never has and I'm glad it didn't, because to be honest, it was rewarding and still continues to up the ante and produce more gold and or obsidian. Life's journey is alchemical really.

These short ramblings, could be really cathartic and helpful to those who find their way to my page or perhaps I've been directed to do this solely as a cleansing and healing process for me. Either way the story as it unfolds week to week, is a story that I would have found solace in. I searched the internet on those nights of utter despair, and tried to find similarities with others. Something I could just latch onto to feel perhaps not so alone. I learnt during this experience in my life that it is important to share our stories. I used to manage a retreat and found that sauna time was perhaps the most healing time of all. Not just because of the physical reasons, the relaxation in the heat, the cleansing through the pores, but also because of the simple act of feeling secure in a warm fire lite room, gazing at the embers and revealing much more of oneself than just oozing sweat. Stories and being heard by like minded people, bonded strangers over night. It alleviated their emotional pain. People felt heard and that was healing.

Writing about myself, has been exactly that, healing on more levels than the writing. Putting myself out there in this way has been one hurdle of self doubt and musings as to why am I sharing something that is quite ordinary really? But I love to journal and I love writing, it guides my reflections of the essence of me and there was a little voice in my head that said just share, tell your tale, and I have been learning to follow that voice in my head. So here is little snippets of thoughts, passions, dreams, sadness, grief and loss, with new found joy and happiness wrapping itself in loving energetic embrace around my now beautiful wound.

My story has revealed to me a sense of place, shown me my desires, re-created my creativity, my song, re-connected me to my family, shown me my sense of adventure, revealed the magicality in my life and my story has brought me back to an authenticity that is showing me a truth and happiness. I hope you enjoy the journey and feel empowered enough to share snippets of you along the way.