To top or not to Top? That is the question?

All it took was a family holiday and family photo session, to reveal to me, the many toppers of me, which could be seen as a masking of the not so delectable times of my life or a little lifesaving garnish. Are they masking my truth or are they something more positive. When I look at myself, I judge all the imperfections. I had this wild and crazy notion that I could escape in a type of avoidance any judgement of self in the attempt to allow myself to eat home cooked goodness, my favourite food, chocolate when needed and eat as to comfort my soul, telling myself it will be ok, I need to place my focus on healing, don't worry about the consequences. I wanted to move through separation without worrying what I was ingesting, and how this would affect my external image. This was a wild and crazy existential crisis notion, because when the lens was pointed at me and pointed at a full length me, I found it hard to reconcile what I saw. And then the shame and guilt that I felt for having these thoughts pulsated in my head, how can I hold myself in my view and be repulsed, this was interesting. I’ve been saying one thing and really meaning it, and then another reality pops up, like burnt toast and well what can I say, it’s completely opposite to what I espouse. It seems there’s two realities of me.

It's crazy how I’ve put icing on my cake to increase the yumminess or to conceal the ordinariness. Whichever it is the topper can be used to mask a lack of what it is added too. My whole journey through my ‘Gap Year’ was about identifying the toppers that I had created in my life, hiding the truth of what was buried deep down inside. I espoused the virtue of self-love, and acceptance of self, no matter how I presented myself. But the truth of it was that, that, was a topper. That it was a hard found self-love, that I was aspiring to, if indeed that's what I found. The more I exuded this confidence the more I was becoming aware of another reality, a duality of my personality, an opposite side was living in me and how I appeared was often not how I felt. I was internalizing the loss of youth and beauty and agility, of non-acceptance and a fear of unavoidable continual abandonment, of never finding my place. Trying to find the reality of me, revealed the notions of beauty that brought me to this betrayal of self, that had languished, almost forgotten, until through the need to enter a life with love in my heart for myself, you find these little notions sitting there, cuddled, nurtured and preserved, a ruse, the ego, pretending to be a close ally, but really full of judgement and scorn. Where these come from, we all know, nurture, nature, society and their judgements. Wherever they did come, I was wanting to cut ties with these concepts. There is much more to a being then what you see on the outside. I feel that in so many people I meet, their beauty radiates from inside, they are beautiful. But then when I was looking at myself, that theory eluded me. I judged myself on my external appearance. Self-love was another long and arduous road, full of false truths for me.

I had absolutely no idea of how to go about unconditional self-love. It is scary to find yourself alone (not completely alone though, as people would say) but still alone in comparison to the life last experienced. It is hard to begin a whole new dreaming. A dreaming that is not part of the societal norm, isn’t secure, there is no super, tax benefits and paid holidays, following a dream that really keeps unravelling for me to follow and trusting that all will be well. What the hell? It’s hard to keep on track and recreate every day and to be comfortable when it was tiring to recreate. So, enter the toppers, a band aide, or a gentle nurturing kiss on a sore bump. Of course, it made it all better. Because they were yummy sparkles in a someone bland reality. But as I had time to ponder, I was after all on a ‘Gap Year’ and this was the reason why. Time to learn. So, I pondered about the toppers, is it being fake or is it a necessity? Then I considered Yin and the philosophy of Daoism. I deduced, and I don’t think this is making excuses at all, but I deduced that there are times that I create tasteful titbits, delicious, scrumptious and delightful. I create wonderful healthy morsels that astound, where every little cell in my body is happy, and I create an artistic delight for the eyes, on a plate. I also can provide myself with the complete opposite of that, it is all ok and just is, and it all depended on where I was at in my little roller coaster ride of self-discovery. I can only exist as a result of the duality of me. I am all that I am because of this duality. I need to sit in the opposites and share these parts equally as well as the in-between and allow them to evolve and become what they need to become. I was feeling into the existence of polarity in my life, that makes us desire a baked potato or mash.

This made my mouth water, with the sheer simplicity of it, in all its complexity. That the seemingly masking of my fear, was in fact a little light part of my being, existing to make fear in all its manifestations easier to manoeuvre through, it was there as a reminder until I was ready to sit in my creative and roar again. I was not lathering myself in lathering’s of untruths, I was just placing a guiding light on top for when I was ready to emerge. As I would sit in the depths of my fear and loss, I was accumulating knowledge and wisdom learned from experiencing these fears and emotions. These were sending my roots deep into my being. I have been through so many changes and adjustments in my life, that by discovering the fear of abandonment and loss of youth, only highlights the path forward, to not fight it and surrender to the ebb and flow of life. The loss of youth, is only youth lost from the outside. Living within reveals a cheeky rather adventurous youth, who is much more now. It was time to accept and become joyous of the fact that I am now entering into a phase of crone wisdom, and with this brings irrevocable change and a firmer foundation. I am capable of holding all the sadness of loss of self in my hands and cry and I am capable of feeling the joy that being able to hold sadness and loss in my hands brings. Why because this is balance and this is the duality of experience. This is where I have come to. Not a cross roads, not a definite this way or that, but a circle, with toppers and me, as a topper or wedged in the middle somewhere, waiting and creating. The topper is really a reminder of my incredible light, when I feel so low. ‘Wait‘ says, the topper, ‘wait there little one, soon you will emerge with a new found sense of how much juicier and delectable you are, only because you have been in the bland and digested what is necessary there for you, here’s a little sprinkling to remind you of all that you are. Enjoy your time there, learn as much as possible and know you will emerge with more of your truth.’ That I think, that, is the beginning of my true journey of self-love. It all begins with toppers and the polarization of my being.

So below are examples of my little sprinkles of Joy for you, if you should find that, you don’t have the inclination to move from your bland, and just need a quick unfussy reminder of your sparkle.

Toppers are an amazing way to jooosh up the mundane ordinariness of left overs if you have created something that just keeps giving. They are an easy way to add health to your meaty concoction if you like and then when you have bits and pieces left of the toppers, you could use these to create buddha bowls. It’s so easy to keep changing up little bits of left overs, just by calling it different things and adding toppers. But today let’s address the little bits and pieces that can sprinkle, dollop or place on the side of soup, stews, pasta, rice or noodle dishes.

These are my favourite toppers; you could cook a pan of these items and have them to go for the next time you needed more complexity to your degustation menu.

Broccoli – cut into smallish flowerets. Salted and fried in coconut oil. Get the pan nice and hot for this and then turn down when Broccoli is added. Don’t over crowd the pan either this will just make the Broccoli soggy and that’s not easy to digest. Well for me. I’m not a soggy Broccoli eater. And that is it, wait until both sides of the broccoli has this nice grilled look to it and pop it on whatever you are eating for the evening. Also, soooo good with lime coconut rice, all by itself.

Bok Choi – Cut Bok Choi in half and get pan nice and hot with olive oil. Lay Bok Choi cut side down and grill until golden and then turn over. Get the Bok Choi once cooked out of the fry pan and into a bowl. Drizzle with Sweet Soy or Soy and some honey. Delightful as a topper on any Asian style meal or soup. Perfect with some rice as well.

Green Peas with Mint and Leek’s – Sautee together in a pan. Salt and pepper

Tamari Nuts & Seeds – in a dry fry pan sauté off Almonds, Sunflower Seeds and Pumpkin seeds, until you get a nice toasted smell. Then pop the nuts into a bowl and cover while hot with Tamari Soy sauce. Don’t drown them, just lightly sprinkle and stir.

Easy Peasy Pesto’s – Use any green you have, rocket, nasturtium, basil, mint can be added, some oil, minimal garlic, cheese for the cheese lovers, and almonds, or cashews, pine nuts, pepitas or sunflower seeds. Salt and pepper and hey presto you have pesto.

Cauliflower and Turmeric Topper – Curry leaves, Cauliflower with leaks, turmeric, Sunflower Seeds. Sautee in a pan with some coconut oil, so good.

Really, it’s just about putting an extra something to a meal that you’ve perhaps been eating all week and that extra something is not unhealthy but bursting with nutrition and flavour and then you feel good. That’s the thing, sometimes as we move through the least favourite times of our existence, but the most rewarding really, we want to have small moments in there where we feel good. Feeling good is important. I wasn’t going to be negative about the times I chowed down on takeaway, at all, but I became increasingly aware of when my body needed something lighter, healthier in the way of vegetables and salads and greens, and I wasn’t going to feel good until I had them. So, I would keep these little toppers in the fridge for just that occurrence. It was a balance, but a natural balance that my body announced to me as I went along the path of least resistance.